This is one of those posts I put off writing because I know it’s going to upset people. Those of you who have followed me for a while know I don’t get into my personal life much on my blog because I generally feel that should be kept separate from my professional one. Every once in a while, though, it affects my writing. I feel it’s only fair you all get some explanation as to the reason why you might have to wait longer on a book. Now is one of those times.
My husband and I have been married for over eight years. We have yet to conceive despite doing nothing to prevent it. I wasn’t terribly worried about it in the early years of our marriage because it gave us time with each other to build our lives. Once I started writing, I wanted to focus on that for a while and get a few books out before adding a baby to my daily routine. Still, I didn’t do anything to keep from getting pregnant either. This past summer I turned thirty-five. My husband and I both agreed we couldn’t ignore the issue any longer and that we were more than ready for children. Clearly, we needed to take further steps to make that happen.
A couple of months ago we went to see a specialist. Neither of us have anything in our history that stands out as an obvious cause for infertility. Other than my chronic migraines and my husband having COPD (which he has under control through meds) we don’t have any major health problems. I’m not going to get into the fine details since not everyone wants to read that, but suffice it to say we are healthy enough that conception shouldn’t be a problem. Since that first doctor visit we have been undergoing a number of tests which have all come back normal. I am told that fifteen percent of cases have no identifiable reason for why there is a problem. We appear to be falling under that category.
We have reached the point now where they are referring me to another specialist to start treatments that should “help” things along. I am both excited and nervous about this. The success rate isn’t very high, but when it does happen it could result in multiple births. It’s a risky move. Yet I’m running out of time and don’t have a lot of other options. If this is the only choice I have, then that’s what I’m going to do.
Through all of this, there’s been a part of me that feels like a failure. It should be such a simple thing to get pregnant. Millions of women do it every year with no problem at all, but I’ve never managed to do it once. A lot of stupid things go through your mind when you face this sort of dilemma. Am I just not good enough to be a parent? Did I do something in my past and now karma is coming back to bite me? Is it simply my fate to never experience giving birth to my own child? Yes, there are other options if things don’t work out, but I really want a chance for my husband and I to have a child together.
For the past couple of months these thoughts have been going through my mind. With every visit to various doctors I’ve grown more frustrated. None of them are very reassuring and their answers to my questions are often vague or unhelpful. It’s been rather depressing and has affected other parts of my life. While I’ve managed to finish writing most of Darkness Wanes, it’s not finished. I hate to even admit that out loud. The final chapters are completely plotted out in detail (that was easy because I’ve known how I wanted to the series to end for a long time), but getting those last chapters written has been difficult. I’m pecking away at it now and finding my “zone” again. It’s just been a matter of finding a way to push my personal problems aside. Once they’re done, I’ll go through revisions next and get chapters out to beta readers. For those of you who have beta read before, expect an email from me soon asking if you’re up for it again.
I can’t give a definite date for when Darkness Wanes will be published. There are no more doctor’s appointments for the next few weeks as I wait for a referral to go through so at least I won’t have that to distract me. I’m going to use this time to buckle down and get the novel done. My hope is to get it finished by early December, but we’ll have to see how it goes. I don’t want to make any more promises I may not be able to keep.
I know this is going to upset some people. You’ve been waiting for this book for a long time now and I hate that I let my personal problems get in the way. I have some of the most awesome readers an author can ask for and you all deserve better than that. Please just be patient with me as I work to get it done. That’s all I can ask.
If it helps, here’s the cover for Darkness Wanes. Usually I do a big reveal post, but I’m just going to let you all see it now.